QATAR — Twenty-four members of the US Men's Soccer team were thrown off the top of the Lusail Stadium today after defying Qatar authorities and wearing LGBTQ+ jerseys on the field. Twenty-four players died in the incident.
"We told them no rainbows," said Sheikh Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani, Commander-in-Chief of the Qatar Armed Forces. "We tried to warn them that anyone caught doing any gay stuff in defiance of Islamic law would be chucked off the top of the stadium. It's right there in the handbook. Why didn't they listen?"
Sources say all 24 casualties died before hitting the pavement, as the strong wind was enough to kill them before they reached the ground.
"Wow, this is awful," said FIFA president Gianni Infantino. "We should have thought twice before holding the games in an Islamofascist country that oppresses women and members of the LGBTQ+ community while using brutal slave labor to construct its stadiums. Our bad on that one." After his statement, Qatar authorities promptly chucked Infantino off the top of the building.
Sources say the 24 deceased players will be replaced by members of the US Women's team. At publishing time, the women's team had also tragically been tossed off the building for refusing to cover their heads.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
