WASHINGTON D.C.—In a long-awaited move toward modernity, the United States Justice System is shutting down all brick-and-mortar courthouses and moving exclusively to Twitter. “This is where the country has been headed for years,” said Jack Dorsey, CEO of Twitter. “Twitter is where real justice happens, and it doesn’t take weeks, months, even years. It can get the job done in minutes.” His comments were met with enthusiastic applause.
Dorsey said that administrative members of the court system had been in contact with him after seeing the expediency of justice on Twitter in recent months. From James Gunn to Rosanne Barr, and now Brett Kavanaugh, justice is doled out at breakneck speed with multiple new cases coming up daily. “Twitter can even handle small domestic disputes, landlord quibbles, family law, you name it,” Dorsey said. When asked if Twitter users should be able to call for the death penalty, Dorsey said, “Absolutely.”
Judges and lawyers will receive blue checkmarks to verify their legitimacy to the American people. Twitter moderators will act as Baliffs. Stenographers will now simply retweet rather than copy down the statements made. Juries will no longer be drafted at random, but be all of Twitter. “Anyone who wants to jump in and state their opinion can do it at any time,” said Dorsey.
Dorsey was confident that the change would improve archaic court systems of due process, examination of evidence, impartiality and other “unrealistic, antiquated standards.” Instead, new tools of justice will be introduced such as memes, comment tweets, polls, likes, and GIFs that express various emotional reactions. “That’s one of the great things about Twitter court,” said Dorsey. “Emotions are welcome. Impartiality is obsolete. We believe that unfettered opinions carried by misinformation and ideological rage are far more effectient tools of justice than the tortoise-like system of the past.”
“We’re already in talks to make the Kavanaugh dispute the first case to be taken to Twitter Court,” said Kamala Harris (D-Ca.) an enthusiastic supporter of the move. “There’s no time for an old-fashioned trial with juries and recesses and deliberations. Twitter Court is the perfect system for cases like this one, where the evidence is scarce but the passions are high.”
Supporters of Twitter Court cite the reduced budget as another win for the system. “All you have to do it go on Twitter, state your case in 280 characters or less, and make sure to hashtag it ‘#TwitterCourt’. No fees, no paperwork, no filing,” said one administrator. Some lawyers fear the change could impact them financially, but others believe they will do just fine on Twitter. “It’s just going to be a change of the judiciary landscape. Instead of knowing laws and past cases, lawyers will need to know sick burns, hot takes, current memes, and be capable of retweeting with devastating commentary.”
Twitter court has been testing in beta mode for years and will become official by the end of 2018.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.