SANTA PAULA, CA — A local child's birthday party became the scene of controversy this week after a 7-year-old reportedly "destroyed" a piñata after just one swing with a brand-new "torpedo" bat, which some parents argue was unfair.
"Hey, my kid didn't get a turn!" said one concerned mother as she attempted to comfort her crying child. "There's no way that bat complies with official piñata regulations!"
Traditionally, the birthday boy (or girl) always gets the first whack at the piñata, but this is seen as a largely symbolic gesture. In practice, every child gets at least one turn striking the stuffed papier-mâché animal, in turn from youngest to oldest. However, the kids at Aiden Trevors' 7th birthday party didn't have a chance.
"Boom goes the dynamite!" little Aidan reportedly said as the piñata seemingly exploded with the crack of the torpedo bat.
According to sources, party goers were unprepared for the speed and intensity of the piñata's destruction, with many kids missing out on candy because they were not prepared to scramble for it. Some pieces of candy flew as far as 400 feet away, leaving little kids in the dust.
"Aw man! I just wanted some M&M's!" cried one child stifling tears. "The torpedo bat should be banned! It's not fair!"
Not everyone was outraged, however, as witnesses confirm some fathers were entranced by the show of force.
"I'm really interested in where he got the new bat. Look at those barrels," said one father who watched, mouth agape, as he ignored his own child's tantrum. "The piñata just rocketed off that bat!"
At publishing time, the Piñata League Association confirmed the torpedo bat was within regulations.
Mission accomplished: Satan has just confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth was crucified and will never be coming back.
