Unemployment Up 800% Among Ethnic Mascots
Sports

U.S.—The new unemployment numbers are out, and they're pretty discouraging: among ethnic mascots of baseball teams and corporate brands, unemployment has skyrocketed 800% in the past year.

"These are troubling signs for the BIPOC mascot community," said leading economist Dr. Matais Zendejas. "We had made so much progress, with mascots of all ethnicities being welcomed by the American public. But now it seems they are being fired at record rates, with the mascots and brand icons being replaced by genderless, white, inoffensive mascots, or else by nothing at all."

"It's really not a good time to be a mascot of color. The unemployment crisis is affecting mascots of color disproportionately. It's racism, plain and simple."

According to one source, the Land O'Lakes Native American girl, once a shining star of the margarine world, has been reduced to asking for change outside a Whataburger in Texas. "Yeah, me and Apu here take turns working the corner," she said, munching on some fries a compassionate customer had given her. "It ain't much, but it pays the bills. Well, actually, it doesn't. But I don't have many bills, because I'm homeless now."

Having fallen on hard times, Chief Wahoo, formerly of the Cleveland Indians, managed to find work singing old Sinatra tunes for tips at a local casino.

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