U.S. — With former President Donald Trump issuing a clarifying statement regarding his views on abortion, unborn babies across the country announced that they are now open to considering third-party candidates in the upcoming election.
In a joint press release, the important demographic of future voters revealed they are now looking at all available options, citing the fact that many of their lives literally depend on the future president's stance on abortion.
"We've got to do what's right for us," said one spokesbaby who provided an interview via ultrasound. "We felt pretty good about Trump after his last term, especially since Roe V. Wade ended up being struck down, but this latest statement is a bit unsettling."
Trump has attempted to walk a fine line between holding the support of his largely pro-life base while also trying to avoid allowing Democrats to use the issue as a rallying cry to generate increased voter turnout in November. The unborn babies urged candidates to take more than just votes into consideration. "We're unanimously pro-life," the spokesbaby said. "Yes, the case could be made that we are biased in this situation, but yeah. We want to live. We'd appreciate it if you didn't kill us. Please. That would be great."
At publishing time, leading Democrats in Congress announced they were willing to consider passing legislation that would allow the unborn children to live as long as they signed a legally binding contract to vote Democrat for their entire lives.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
