LONDON — The United Kingdom finally decided to crack down on extremist violence, increasing the penalty for terrorist attacks to five hours of community service.
In the wake of terrorists having assassinated another Conservative leader, the United Kingdom launched its new "tough on terror" initiative, sentencing perpetrators to five long hours of cleaning dustbins.
"We know five hours may seem harsh, but it shows just how seriously we are taking terrorism," said caretaker Prime Minister Keir Starmer. "In addition to community service, terrorists will also receive a stern lecture from one of the bobbies, instructing the terrorists to stop being so naughty. These measures are extreme, yet they are necessary to confront the difficult realities of violent extremism. I may be on my way out the door, so to speak, but that doesn't mean I'm afraid to get tough."
Opposition lawmakers heavily criticized the proposal as overly punitive. "Islamophobia once again has reared its ugly head," said Labour Party leader Benjamin Johnson. "Restricting these men's freedom for five hours is cruel, racist, and bigoted. Terrorists have very busy murdering schedules, and such punishments place an undue burden on their time. The Labour Party will not stand for it."
At publishing time, the terrorists had their sentences reduced to one hour for good behavior.
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