VATICAN CITY — In disastrous news for the Catholic Church, a mischievous little monkey stole Pope Leo's hat and placed it on his own head, giving the monkey the power of infallibility.
"Mamma mia!" a spokesman for the Vatican told the press. "We need to get-a that hat-a back!"
The pope hat has a long history, dating back to when Jesus gave it to Peter, which says, "Whoever wears this hat, whatsoever he binds on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatsoever he shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven." Ever since then, the Catholic Church has been careful in handing the hat from pope to pope — even adding a chinstrap so it wouldn't get blown off by a gust of wind. But during weekend mass, a monkey somehow surprised Pope Leo, snatching his hat and running off with it.
"Give me back my hat, you little monkey!" Pope Leo yelled at the monkey while giving chase, but since he no longer had his hat, his words were not infallible, and the monkey did not listen to him.
This reportedly threw the Vatican into crisis. So far, while wearing the hat, the monkey had mainly just screeched and made monkey sounds, but scribes were writing all the sounds down just in case. And with screeching and gestures, the monkey made it clear that he wanted bananas, and Vatican officials were forced to comply.
At publishing time, Pope Leo was last seen constructing a dummy girl monkey to try to lure out the monkey who has his hat. "I'm going to get that monkey," Pope Leo muttered, though of course, without the hat, there was no guarantee.
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