SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In a handy, convenient new service, Uber drivers are now required to carry out drive-by shootings for their passengers.
Riders getting into their Uber vehicle can select the "drive-by" option, choose from a variety of firearms, and pick an unsuspecting target walking down the street or hanging out in front of a home or business. Their driver is then contractually obligated to carry out the murder.
Any Uber driver who refuses to murder a pedestrian of your choice runs the risk of being fired, according to the company. They are also opening themselves up to potentially expensive lawsuits, as they're violating your freedom to murder in the United States.
"My Uber driver, my choice," said one woman after she petitioned to have an Uber driver fired for not following the new drive-by policy. "This is America in the current year, and I can't believe there are still Uber drivers who don't believe it's my constitutional right to have them become an accessory to murder."