WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a break from a long-standing tradition, the White House announced that this year's Thanksgiving turkey would not receive a ceremonial pardon from President Joe Biden after it was discovered that the turkey had attended the riot at the U.S. Capitol on January 6, 2021.
"The turkey we had chosen for the occasion has been determined to be completely undeserving of a pardon," said White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre in a media briefing. "The President was very eager to bestow a pardon, but unfortunately, it came to our attention that this turkey participated in the violent attack on the Capitol that attempted to overthrow the government and destroy democracy itself."
The turkey has been returned to police custody.
The Biden administration learned of the scandal after it was presented with photos of the foul fowl wearing a red "Make America Great Again" baseball cap among other Trump supporters and undercover federal agents planted surreptitiously throughout the crowd on the day of the riot. Though other witnesses vehemently argued that the turkey had valiantly attempted to prevent agitators from vandalizing the Capitol and breaching its doors, security camera footage of the MAGA turkey wandering the halls and gobbling in House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's office was considered particularly damning.
"Listen, these dangerous ultra-MAGA birds are a serious threat to our nation, folks," President Biden said in brief remarks about the situation. "They must be dealt with and put in their rightful place, which is on my dinner table. End of speech. Walk away from podium."
At publishing time, all requests made to interview the turkey had been denied. It was reported that the bird was placed in solitary confinement at an undisclosed location as it awaited its execution, brining, and deep-frying without due process.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
