NURN, MORDOR — Political commentator Tucker Carlson has reportedly purchased a piece of property in the land of Mordor, where the shadows lie. This will be Carlson's fourth house and his first next to a slave camp.
"I like it here. A lot. Yeah, I like it. It's the perfect location, obviously. By the way, I'm an American. I can go wherever I want and speak to anyone I want to because I'm a free man, actually." Carlson said of his decision. "Nurn is a beautiful region. It's very fertile, and I've got a great view of the lake. People were telling me, 'Oh, you can't go to Mordor, the Orcs are there, and the whole land is covered in ash,' but it's a lie. They don't want us to talk about how great Mordor is. But I won't be silenced."
According to sources, Carlson's new property is a 4,058-square-foot home with 5 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms that overlooks a vast dark lake known as the Sea of Núrnen. His home sits on 10 acres replete with ashen fields and comes with a stock of forced laborers to maintain them.
"Mordor is one of the most beautiful lands I've ever been to. Just remarkable, actually," Carlson said. "Who wouldn't love to live here? I can leave my Lamborghini unlocked on the street, and no one will steal it because they'll have their head chopped off, and their body will be thrown to the Orc Snaga to put meat back on the menu."
"It's great."
Men in Gondor criticized Carlson for buying property in Mordor, thereby lending his unofficial support to the Sauron regime and funding their further campaign into Osgiliath. Carlson has disputed this by once again reminding everyone that he is American, even though he's moving to a foreign land that hates America. "I've never taken anything from Mordor," Carlson argued, "aside from this fantastic property and the free slaves. But aside from that, nothing."
At publishing time, Tucker Carlson was offended to discover he was not invited to Elrond's secret council.
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