SPRINGFIELD, VA — As the Department of Homeland Security sought to tighten security across the board for travelers around the country, the Transportation Security Administration announced that anyone who doesn't acquire a Real ID by the appointed deadline will be sent to a screening line manned by Creepy Kevin.
Though the government agency responsible for providing security for air travel in the U.S. has been urging people to obtain Real IDs for years, the new announcement made things far more serious by establishing the consequence of having Creepy Kevin be the screener for delinquent travelers.
"Trust me, you do not want this," said TSA spokesperson Dana Gilbert. "We've been patient with you people for a long time. We've asked politely that you get your Real IDs. We've even pushed the deadline back more than once. But there's no more of that. Now, it's about to get real, pardon the pun. Creepy Kevin is standing by, just waiting for you to be in his line. We've had more complaints filed about Kevin than any other agent in the country. And we're saving him for people who refuse to get Real IDs. It's time to ask yourself… is it worth it not to obey us?"
Creepy Kevin acknowledged that he had been assigned a special task to perform extra levels of screening for passengers who lack a Real ID. "Oh, you betcha," he said. "I'm looking forward to it. I've been putting together a very special patdown routine. Just for you folks. So come on up. I'll be happy to see you."
At publishing time, DMVs across the country had been overwhelmed with requests from people who wanted to get their Real IDs rather than get within 50 feet of Creepy Kevin.
Heartwarming!
