WASHINGTON, D.C. - Public schools are refusing to reopen their doors, so President Donald Trump is stepping up to the plate and opening his own private school to give kids a comprehensive education.
The TrumpStart Academy will teach kids math, science, reading, and the art of the deal.
"If you want a job done in the best way, maybe ever, you have to do it yourself," Trump said. "Public schools want taxpayers to keep paying for their schools even though they're closed. Not good! Well, not on my watch. American kids will learn all the best stuff here!"
"Alright, everyone, math! Math is a great subject. Very fun. I'm great at math," he said as he instructed the kids to open up their books. "Hey, wait. This math problem has letters in it. That can't be right. Probably the new Common Core stuff. Thanks, Obama! OK, forget the book -- I'll just teach you from memory."
The energetic Trump even goes to recess with the kids, playing kickball, tag, and tetherball, though he got into a tense verbal disagreement with one boy who continued to do "tag backs" despite Trump clearly declaring there were no tag backs allowed. "Little Johnny is a PATHETIC, disturbed individual. It's really sad," he wrote on Twitter later that day. "Sleepy Johnny has FAILING grades!"