Scripture
Trump Opens Private School To Teach Kids Himself Since Public Schools Refuse To Open

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Public schools are refusing to reopen their doors, so President Donald Trump is stepping up to the plate and opening his own private school to give kids a comprehensive education.

The TrumpStart Academy will teach kids math, science, reading, and the art of the deal.

"If you want a job done in the best way, maybe ever, you have to do it yourself," Trump said. "Public schools want taxpayers to keep paying for their schools even though they're closed. Not good! Well, not on my watch. American kids will learn all the best stuff here!"

"Alright, everyone, math! Math is a great subject. Very fun. I'm great at math," he said as he instructed the kids to open up their books. "Hey, wait. This math problem has letters in it. That can't be right. Probably the new Common Core stuff. Thanks, Obama! OK, forget the book -- I'll just teach you from memory."

The energetic Trump even goes to recess with the kids, playing kickball, tag, and tetherball, though he got into a tense verbal disagreement with one boy who continued to do "tag backs" despite Trump clearly declaring there were no tag backs allowed. "Little Johnny is a PATHETIC, disturbed individual. It's really sad," he wrote on Twitter later that day. "Sleepy Johnny has FAILING grades!"

Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee

After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.

Get FREE Access

*with premium subscription to The Babylon Bee

There are 31 comments on this article.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.