WASHINGTON, D.C—As more state governors lock down and enslave their people, one hero has been called to save Americans from their masters.
President Donald Trump says he was commanded by a burning rose bush in the Rose Garden to confront Democratic state governors over their tyranny. He first said he wasn't sure he could do it as he was too awesome and good at this kind of thing and it would go to his head, but the rose bush agreed to send Mike Pence along with him to balance his amazingness out.
"Let my people go!" Trump cried as he threw down a MAGA hat and miraculously transformed it into a Big Mac, which he then ate. "Greatest miracle, maybe ever." But the governors had their own Satanic magicians who performed similar tricks, turning their pink women's rights hats into vegan milkshakes.
"Sad! Not good!" Trump said. "If you will not let my people go, more plagues will be unleashed -- the best plagues, maybe ever. We're talking bigly plagues." Sure enough, Lake Erie turned to blood, Pepe the Frogs spread across the land, and locusts descended on everything and ate everybody's crops. The Democrats didn't seem to mind the Angel of Death plague though, since most of them are already cool with abortion.
After the tenth plague, some of the governors finally relented, allowing Trump to lead his people to freedom across a miraculously parted Missouri River.