HELSINKI, FINLAND—In a historic sleepover after the 2018 Russia–United States summit in Helskini, President Trump and Vladimir Putin faced off in an intense match of popular first-person shooter GoldenEye 007 on the Nintendo 64.
The two world leaders clashed in an exciting match on the Facility level, using a host of house rules including no slappers, no throwing knives, and no Oddjob. Trump had requested DK Mode in order to make his character’s hands appear larger, but was overruled.
Trump started out strong by grabbing dual RC-P90s and snagging several early kills as Putin struggled to find anything better than a Klobb. But the tide started to turn when Putin laid remote mines near a key chokepoint and lay in wait for the U.S. president, before taking him out with the Russian leader’s favorite weapon, the KF7 Soviet.
The match finished with a tense stand-off in the level’s restroom, with an out-of-ammo Trump cowering in a stall before a body armor-clad Putin burst in and finished him off with a rocket launcher, leaving the Russian president with only a tiny sliver of health remaining. Trump was then forced to give up his controller to the Finnish president per international law, as he had declared, “I got next.”
At publishing time, tournament leaders had confirmed that Putin had used a slew of hacks to achieve his victory, but Trump refused to believe the reports, saying that “Putin says he didn’t, so he didn’t.”