WASHINGTON, D.C. - After Sean Spicer's abrupt resignation Friday morning, President Donald Trump has chosen InfoWars chief and renowned conspiracy theorist Alex Jones as the new Press Secretary, the White House announced.
The fiery Jones wasted no time getting in front of the cameras, holding his inaugural press conference shortly after the announcement.
"I am the new Press Secretary!" he bellowed in his distinct Texas growl at all the reporters present, occasionally taking a handkerchief out of his pocket to dab perspiration from his red face. "AAAAAaaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHH!" he continued, beating his chest like a gorilla.
"We're comin' for ya globalists! 1776 will commence, you wicked, wicked devils!" he added, before mumbling something about gay frogs.
Press Secretary Jones concluded the conference early, dismissing every person in the room after announcing that only InfoWars and Breitbart reporters would be allowed to attend press events from this point forward.