WASHINGTON D.C.—On President Trump’s last day in office, he released a slew of presidential pardons. Most surprising, though, was that among the pardons is the novel coronavirus.
“It is a time for unity,” said Trump in the released statement. “A time to set aside old grudges and come together. That is why I am pardoning the coronavirus. We shall no longer try to kill it with hydroxychloroquine (which kills it really well) but will forgive it and recognize how it brought us all together, how it taught us about all the different things that can be turned into masks, and how it helped us appreciate our own homes, which we were locked in. And, in a way, isn’t the real pandemic the friends we made along the way?”
Constitutional scholars are divided on whether the president can pardon a virus. “I’m not sure that makes sense,” said law professor Chester Dawson. “Then again, the pardon is just one short sentence in the Constitution, so we’ve mainly just been making it all up as we go.”
The pardon of the virus is expected to be a very unpopular move, as the deadly virus is quite hated by most of the country and has an extremely low approval rating (though still higher than Congress).