WASHINGTON, D.C. — Chaos erupted on Capitol Hill today, as Republican Congressman Thomas Massie was neutralized in an apparent drone strike ordered by President Donald Trump.
Massie was wiped out in a counter-argument operation carried out by U.S. Special Forces in the nation's capital, following an earlier threat by the president that he should be "PRIMARIED," which sources confirmed was top-secret government code for "taken out by a drone."
"Got him!" Trump reportedly exclaimed while watching a live feed of the drone strike. "Drones today — wow! Everything's computer! I bet he wishes he had voted for the spending bill now, believe me."
Pentagon officials said the strike was ordered because of Massie's opposition to a continuing resolution bill designed to fund the government for another six months. He voted against the bill, citing a reluctance to extend current spending levels without cutting the budget. "DOGE just exposed a lot of government waste and we're not cutting any of it," Massie reportedly said in his last public statement. "It makes absolutely no sense."
Though the bill eventually passed without Massie's support and moved on to the Senate, Trump was reportedly so surprised to learn a Republican disagreed with him that he felt backed into a corner, deciding that a drone strike was the only viable path forward.
"Obama showed us how presidents deal with problems," Trump said following the drone strike. "If I just keep droning people, all my problems will go away."
At publishing time, President Trump was reportedly preparing to sign an order to "primary" Senator Rand Paul for opposing the bill in the Senate.
Under a new presidential order, posting in support of Ukraine will automatically draft you into the military.
