WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amid outcry from conservatives demanding Trump tip the balance of the Supreme Court, Trump has nominated himself for a seat on the highest court in the land.
"Sometimes, you just gotta do a job yourself," Trump said. "These other judges don't know the law like I do. I actually know all the laws. I know all the best laws, and some of the bad ones too. At least some people say they're bad. I think they might be right. We should stop listening to the bad laws. We shouldn't even have them, really. I will make all the best decisions as a judge. Some loser judges are taking advantage of this country and it's a total disgrace. I will make it all better, way better."
According to sources, Trump plans to hold the office of President and Supreme Court Justice at the same time. Citing his experience as a judge for Miss Universe as well as his time on The Apprentice, Trump is promising to make it "look easy."
Lawyers are scrambling to figure out whether Trump can do this legally. Mitch McConnell has vowed to rush the confirmation through the Senate as quickly as possible. Lawmakers found they were too late, however, when they found Trump had already purchased a black robe on Amazon and taken a seat on the bench, refusing to leave.
In his first unilateral decision as Supreme Court Justice, he has decreed that all cereal manufacturers must now reclassify their product as soup.