WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what supporters are calling "the most popular executive action since bringing back the McRib," President Donald Trump signed an executive order Thursday formally authorizing citizens to shoot obnoxious hooligans on those motorized bikes.
The order, titled the Reclaiming Our Streets From The Hooligans Act, grants anyone over the age of 32 broad authority to say, "Not in my neighborhood, pal" before unloading a clip into their e-bike.
"For too long, American families have lived in fear," Trump told reporters from the White House Rose Garden. "These kids are going 40 miles an hour on the sidewalk, blasting terrible music, almost hitting grandmothers, who are tremendous people. It's very disrespectful to everyone, especially the grandmothers. Not for long though."
Within hours of the announcement, strapped suburban fathers nationwide emerged from garages wearing expressions of grim patriotic duty. "I've been waiting my whole life for this," said local dad Mark Ellison. "It's about restoring order. These kids used to fear adults. Now they fly past my mailbox doing wheelies while vaping blue raspberry smoke directly into the face of God. Not today, bub."
At publishing time, Trump had authorized double points for hitting any hooligans on one of those motorized scooters.
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