MIAMI, FL — In a move designed to unite the Republican party and their camps of supporters who may still have hard feelings toward each other in the wake of a contentious primary, former President Donald Trump announced that he had made amends with a bitter rival.
"It's time for us to put aside our differences and unite with Ronnie DePoopypants," Trump said in a statement given to reporters outside a New York courthouse. "He has done a wonderful job as an overrated 3rd-rate governor of the state of Florida — a job he got because of my endorsement, by the way — and even though he lost to me horribly in the primary just like everyone else, I am proud to accept his humble support in my race for the White House. It's not about where we disagree, it's about where we DO agree, and about the fact that he didn't win, and I did, and my victory was so large, believe me."
"Rob DeStinkus will be a very powerful ally considering he was such a weak candidate against me and it wasn't even close."
The Trump campaign then released the following official statement notifying all staff and support team members of a list of nicknames for DeSantis that would no longer be used: "Please be advised that the following terms are being officially retired from official campaign use: Wrong DeStankis, Ron DeShortBus, Ron DePoopyPants, Ron DeJerkFace, and Ron-Tard. Use of nicknames is subject to change."
At publishing time, Trump remained confident that the two leaders could work well together. "He's a great guy," Trump said. "He wants America to be great, and so do I. And now we both want it to be great with me as president, which I will be. And he will not. And that's ok. Because I won."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
