PALM BEACH, FL — As rumors continue to filter in that Manhattan D.A. Alvin Bragg's attempt to indict former President Donald Trump is falling apart, a new report has indicated Trump's team of attorneys is seeking to exploit a little-known legal loophole through which he can avoid indictment by not actually committing any crime.
"Not many people actually know this, but not committing a federal crime is a great way to completely avoid indictment," said Joe Tacopina, a member of Trump's legal team. "Having a veritable who's who of attorneys in your corner is helpful to really dig deep and find this type of legal ace-in-the-hole."
The revelation of this loophole provides an explanation for the former President's seemingly nonchalant attitude toward the New York legal case. Trump again expressed his innocence in a post to his Truth Social account. "You can't indict someone when they don't actually commit a crime! Everyone says so!" Trump said. "Only my team of attorneys, the very best ever assembled in human history, could make this discovery, yet the corrupt New York DA continues this witch hunt! SAD!"
Despite Trump's use of this seldom-utilized tactic, Mr. Bragg vowed to continue moving forward with the case. "I don't care if he's committed a crime or not," Bragg said in a statement to the media. "We've got to stop his 2024 campaign somehow, so we'll just keep trying to make stuff up. I'm in full-on straw-grasping mode here."
At publishing time, Hunter Biden was reportedly asking his lawyers about this loophole only to be told it's not an option due to the fact that he's legitimately guilty of obscenely horrible crimes.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.