DALLAS, TX — Passengers boarding American Airlines flight 467 from Dallas to Chicago were welcomed by pilot Walter Kerry, who quickly assured them that he was not a diversity hire.
"Aahhhhhh, we'd like to welcome everyone aboard today's flight to Chicago," Captain Kerry began the pre-flight announcements, "I'm, uuhhhhhhh, Captain Walter Kerry, your pilot for this flight, and I, eehhhhhhhh, just want to reassure everyone that I have many years of experience in the US Air Force, followed by many more years of experience flying for American. So, I'm here with you today because of all this experience and an exemplary service record, and I am definitely, uuhhhhhh, not a diversity hire."
The captain continued, "We'll be cruising at an altitude of 34,000 feet, and we should be able to expect a smooth flight, which I can tell because I know how to read radar and weather reports because I am definitely an experienced pilot and not a diversity hire."
Most passengers were visibly relieved to hear Captain Kerry's background, but some still seemed concerned. Said traveler Glen Larson, "I mean, it's nice to hear all that, but why does he feel like he needs to keep telling us? I'm afraid he might be a diversity hire. Is he, like, trans or something? Is it too late to buy life insurance?"
Captain Kerry also reassured passengers with the introduction of his co-pilot, saying, "Up here on the flight deck with me today is co-pilot Captain Beverly Johnson, who you may have noticed is a black female. Captain Johnson is also an experienced Air Force pilot, and it's just a happy coincidence that she also checks a lot of diversity boxes. So everybody settle in and enjoy our very capable and well-qualified crew on your flight to Seattle. I mean Chicago."
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.