MAR-A-LAGO, FL — Former President Trump has continued his steadfast work helping the Democrats retain control of the Senate, so that everyone will really, really miss him by the time 2024 gets here.
"Look how bad everything is getting! It's so terrible!" said Trump, cackling. "Two more years of these losers, the whole country will beg to have me back!"
According to sources, President Trump hatched the plan shortly after the 2020 election. "It was genius, everyone said so," said Mr. Trump. "I just told Republicans in Georgia to not bother voting in the Senate runoff. Next thing you know - surprise! The Democrats pull off the victory. Then they were able to appoint all sorts of horrible people to run the country, be on the Supreme Court, pass terrible laws, whatever. Totally disastrous for the Republican party and for our beautiful country! Sad. Bet they miss me now!"
Pundits wondered how Mr. Trump could possibly still damage the Republicans' chances after GOP scored such a massive upset victory in the Virginia governor's race, where Biden had won handily. "We really didn't account for how effectively Trump could elevate disastrous candidates like Dr. Oz," said a Republican Senator on condition of anonymity. "We also were caught off guard that after Trump took over the bulk of GOP fundraising, he would then decline to use the funds to help Senate candidates. So now we have lousy candidates and no money, basically guaranteeing Democrats a Senate victory. Well played, Mr. Trump. Well played."
At publishing time, Trump had agreed to come hold a rally in Pennsylvania, provided he didn't have to use any of the loser GOP candidates' names during his speech.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.