WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump declared a national emergency this morning while going through his favorite McDonald's drive-thru, as the cashier informed him the ice cream machine was down for repairs.
"We'll get two Big Macs, two filet-o-fish sandwiches, and a large chocolate shake! The usual!" he called out from the back of the presidential limo. "And you know what, I'm feeling great living in America this morning. Let's throw in a vanilla cone with one scoop. No---two scoops! Make it two! Trump always gets two scoops!"
The employee apologetically replied that the ice cream machine had been down all morning.
"This is a national security crisis!" he bellowed into the speaker to the bewildered, frightened McDonald's employee. "And you're fired!"
When aides gently informed Trump that he couldn't fire a McDonald's employee, he was furious. "What about eminent domain? I'm an expert on eminent domain. We can seize this McDonald's and make it government property. Seize this man!" Upon discovering he could not simply arrest the McDonald's worker, Trump told his driver to just take him back to the office. "Everyone's working against me! So hard to find good people."
On the awkward limo ride back to the White House, Trump reportedly declared, "National emergency!" to no one in particular several times.
Aides then had to inform the president that yelling "National emergency" actually didn't declare the emergency and that there was paperwork he had to sign to make it official.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.