TOLEDO, OH—When local pastor's kid Cooper Braxton went rummaging around in the church's storage room looking for some crackers to munch on, he was delighted to find the custodial closet actually led to the magical land of Narnia, sources confirmed Tuesday.
But what began as a fantastical journey through a wondrous land of mythical creatures and certain adventure turned sour. First, Braxton was reportedly unable to locate a WiFi signal anywhere in the first few miles of traveling through the Western Wood in Aslan's serene kingdom. Next, he noticed the poor graphics, with no HDR bloom, bump mapping, or advanced lighting and shading effects.
The last straw was when a friendly faun informed him there was no such thing as Fortnite in the country of Narnia, except for the term referring to a period of time of two weeks.
"Ah, you gotta be kiddin' me!" he shouted, scaring off several friendly fauns and badgers. "Forget this place. I'm out!" he said, shaking his head as he went to retrace his steps through the strange, magical forest to get back within range of a stable broadband connection and his favorite battle royale game.
"What a dump," Braxton wrote in a 1-star Yelp review after returning through the same enchanted inter-dimensional portal through which he entered Narnia and its surrounding countries. "No wifi, poor graphics, no Fortnite. I mean, you've got enough dough to support naval exploration to the ends of the earth, fund perpetual wars with the Calormenes, and build lavish coastal palaces—but you can't install one freakin' hotspot?"