Trump Campaign Hoping To Lock Up GOP Nomination With Third Indictment
Politics · Jul 19, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

PALM BEACH, FL — With news of a third indictment soon to be handed down by the Department of Justice, insiders at Donald Trump's 2024 presidential campaign are hopeful it will be enough to clinch the Republican nomination.

"Each one brings us a little bit closer to victory," said Senior Campaign Advisor Chris LaCivita. "With this third indictment, we should have everything completely sewn up for next year's convention. Honestly, we kinda just hope they keep indicting him right up through the general election. It would carry him right into the White House."

DOJ officials remain confident that this time, the indictment will work and will keep Trump from gaining more support. "Yes, we are aware that every time we indict him, he gets more popular," said a source within Attorney General Merrick Garland's office. "But we're absolutely certain this is the one that will work. Honestly, we can't actually beat him legitimately, so continually firing out these indictments is really all we have."

The former president expressed confidence both in his chances against the new indictment as well as his odds of re-election. "KEEP THESE FABRICATED INDICTMENTS COMING," Trump said in a post to his Truth Social account. "THESE INDICTMENTS GIVE ME STRENGTH. I EAT THEM FOR BREAKFAST WITH MY EGG MCMUFFINS. THEY NOURISH ME. NOM NOM NOM! FEED ME MORE! MAGA!"

At publishing time, staffers at Trump's campaign office had reportedly begun making reservations for an election victory party next November after hearing rumors of additional indictments being prepared by the DOJ.


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