ATLANTA, GA — Following a number of nationwide Amber Alerts issued regarding abducted children, journalists have rallied in calling Amber Alerts a QAnon-adjacent conspiracy aimed at misleading the public about harmless, family-friendly child-abducting Americans.
"Amber Alerts offer inaccurate portrayals of human traffickers innocently targeting young children for sex and monetary gains," said Bloomberg's Noah Berlatsky while taking a break from his usual work of supporting the legalization of pedophilia. "Every time an Amber Alert rings in the pockets of Americans across our nation, minor-attracted people become even more stigmatized. This is basically racism."
Controversial Amber Alerts have come to light even more as the controversial breakout film The Sound of Freedom has been seen by millions of QAnon believers who may have actually convinced themselves that evil people would harm children.
"We need to ban Amber Alerts before creepy pedophiles start getting harassed online and attacked by Ultra-MAGA," said Congresswoman AOC. "And I know what it's like to be harassed. They don't deserve this treatment."
At publishing time, journalists had sadly reported that over 1,127 underaged sex workers had lost their jobs thanks to the Amber Alert system.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
