WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprising move, President Donald Trump announced today that the newly created White House Faith Office would be led by Satan.
"Satan's got a lot of experience," Trump said as he introduced the Father of Lies at Thursday's National Prayer Breakfast. "You know he spent 40 days with Jesus in the desert 2,000 years ago? It's really something. I hear he's even read the entire Bible."
The Adversary said he was thankful for the opportunity and would not let the president down. In a ten-minute speech, the Father of Lies expanded on his perceived duties and qualifications for the work ahead, saying, "I have every right and authority to declare the White House holy ground because I was standing there and where I stand is holy. I'm kind of a big deal."
Attendees appeared horrified as Satan took to the podium in a puff of sulphuric smoke but later came away energized after the Dark Lord told them, "By your words, you form your own destiny. What you say within yourself determines the end promise of your life. Follow your heart!"
Following the news conference, reporters asked Satan what his plans were for ending anti-Christian bias, but Satan only stared at them.
At publishing time, it was revealed Satan got the job by telling Trump he was perfect and didn't need to change his life in any way whatsoever to be pleasing to God, which the president thought sounded pretty good.
ICE is no joke. If you want to avoid getting caught and deported, use one of these 10 clever tricks to slip away undetected. Very bueno!
