BURGER KING CASTLE — The Burger King issued an edict from his throne this week and urged senators to vote against confirming Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as Secretary of Health and Human Services.
"Countrymen! Hear me, hear me!" the Burger King declared. "I beseech you from the bottom of my buns to throw off your vote and vanquish this hater of our kingdom to the outer realms of our fair land. Please, don't let this char-grilled charlatan usurp power from our burger-loving brethren. Vote nay!"
The Burger King also released a flurry of statements on X, most of them written in emojis using the fries, burger, and frowny-face icons.
"I watched his confirmation hearing," the Burger King continued. "I don't understand what his beef is with our company. There was not one nugget of truth to his scurrilous claims. Everything that came out of his mouth was one whopper after another. He must be rejected!"
Kennedy defended his nomination and asked the Burger King to please reconsider his position.
"I love a good french fry. Just cook them in beef tallow," Kennedy responded. "And use real meat and whole foods in your products. And please stop sending swarms of these enchanted flying pickles to my house… how are these things even real?"
At publishing time, the Burger King had descended from his burger castle to resume his decades-long military campaign against Ronald McDonald and the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
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