WASHINGTON, D.C.—Trump has fired Secretary of Defense Mark Esper. In his place, he has appointed well-qualified military veteran Conan the Hero Dog.
"Best Secretary of Defense, maybe ever!" Trump said in a speech. "Our new Secretary of Defense is a very good boy -- unlike those loser ones I've appointed in the past. Sad! I'd like to see Biden find a good boy like this but he never will because he's not as smart as me. Also, he'll never be president."
Conan the Hero Dog is said to be extremely obedient, unlike the previous Defense Secretary who whined and argued and refused to fetch tennis balls when Trump threw them out on the White House lawn.
The media was outraged by Trump's decision, citing Mark Esper's extreme bravery in undermining and contradicting the Commander in Chief at every turn. "This is a dismally dark day for our dying democracy under a destructive and devious Donald Trump," mourned Max Boot, using masterful alliteration to drive the point home.
Conan is already making changes within the armed forces, mandating treats and belly scratches every day for all service members.