NEW YORK, NY — During a historic rally at Madison Square Garden, Donald Trump sat down and wowed audience members by completing a record-breaking speedrun of SpongeBob SquarePants: Battle for Bikini Bottom on the Xbox.
"Wow! He's really doing it!" said JD Vance as he watched from the sidelines. "He just beat Kelp Forest in two minutes! This election is over!"
Eyewitnesses say Trump flawlessly exploited every secret, shortcut, and glitch as he played the SpongeBob game, wowing rally attendees and journalists alike. Even Kamala Harris supporters were impressed as they watched the groundbreaking feat live on CNN. Reporting live, Jake Tapper, noted how skilled the former president was at double jumping.
"You gotta jump. I'm always telling Vance, you gotta jump! Double jump and attack to keep yourself in the air, you'll go far. We'll all go far together," Trump said while rolling his way through the Sand Mountain level. "And that's exactly what we're gonna do here at home."
"We're going to make Bikini Bottom again, and then we're gonna make America great again, believe me."
Trump's 39-minute speedrun beats the previous record-holder's run by over two minutes. SHiFT, whose previous run of 41m 03s was decimated by Trump, was reportedly in awe of the former president and real estate mogul as he collected the final golden spatula. "I don't know how he did it. He beat my run and got everything. 100% completion! I can't believe it!" SHiFT said during a Twitch broadcast. "He's definitely earned my vote. If he can manage that political swamp half as well as he runs through the Goo Lagoon then we're in for a real treat."
At publishing time, Donald Trump further cemented his place in American history by speedrunning Sonic Adventure 2 Battle for the Nintendo GameCube.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
