WASHINGTON, D.C.—Clad in tribal furs and leather, President Trump shouted this morning that he will only transfer power if a challenger beats him in a one-on-one spear fight.
Trump refused to commit to a peaceful transfer of power, saying the only way to dethrone him would be for a challenger to beat him in ritual combat, per Wakandan tradition. The winner of the fight will receive the presidency and a cool suit that grants him super strength to go around the world and punch commies and stuff.
"It will not be a peaceful transfer of power," Trump said. "It will instead be a fun, entertaining transfer of power, and that's much more important. We can gather together all the tribal people and they can chant and bang their spears down and stuff. Totally tremendous and remarkable event. Really spectacular."
Biden then wandered up to Trump and said he'd challenge the president to a push-up contest. "I don't even know who you are," Trump growled.
"Yeah, me neither," Biden replied, wandering away again.
"This is the way," Trump concluded. He was then informed that was the wrong franchise.