MAR-A-LAGO, FL — Former President Donald Trump has announced that he will make Vivek Ramaswamy head of Tech Support in his next administration.
"Head of Tech Support for your favorite President -- that's big league!" said Mr. Trump. "Vivek will be a perfect fit for the job. I just know it!"
Mr. Trump has reportedly been impressed with Mr. Ramaswamy, finding him likable and intelligent on camera. "I know talent when I see it, it's one of my greatest talents," said Mr. Trump. "Vivek -- he's very smart, and so easy to understand. He has a great smile, doesn't he? That's the kind of smile I want to see when my keys are all sticky with Diet Coke."
According to sources close to the former President, Trump has graciously tried to think of roles in his administration for each of his rivals in the Republican primary. "I don't hold grudges, grudges are for losers," explained Mr. Trump. "So that Chris Christie guy, I'll put him in charge of planning menus for state dinners. The guy really knows his way around a menu, believe me! That Haley lady, she'll be ambassador to India, obviously. Oh, and Mike, we'll station him in Ukraine full-time. I hear he loves the place!"
At publishing time, Mr. Trump had announced that he would ask Ron DeSantis to be head of planning trips to Disney World for visiting dignitaries.
By now the whole internet has heard Ben Shapiro rapping, but did you know that there are actually two more verses they cut out of the track?