U.S. — Black box recordings have confirmed that as United Flight 452 hurtled towards the earth in a giant fireball, flight attendant Alice Turner smugly derided the passengers who had failed to listen to her pre-flight safety presentation.
Though parts of the recordings were inaudible due to screaming, authorities have released portions of the plane's final moments in the air:
TURNER: Well, well - looks like some folks in the cabin are no longer too distracted playing Roblox to listen to me!
TURNER: Bet you all wish you knew what safety features we have on this Boeing 737? Don't you??
CAPTAIN: Folks, this is your captain speaking. Just giving you an update that both engines have indeed fallen off and we have reached maximum velocity heading towards the earth.
TURNER: By the by, are you cowards in the exit row still willing to assist other passengers in case of emergency? Ha! Maybe you should have thought of that an hour ago when you all nodded at me with blank stares!
The 737 then crashed into a Kansas corn field, exploding into millions of pieces and making a crater two-hundred yards wide.
Though saddened by the tragedy, flight attendants across the country hailed Ms. Turner's final address to the cabin. "We can see everyone rolling their eyes or laughing every time we stand in the aisle and pretend to buckle a seat belt," said attendant Chris Kage, a ten-year veteran. "That stuff hurts, man. I'm really glad someone finally showed those jerks just before everyone died. Oh wait, that sounds bad. Uh, no comment!"
At publishing time, against all odds, a survivor of the accident was located miles from the crash site. The man credited his survival to the strict attention he paid to the pre-flight safety presentation, as well keeping his tray table up with his seat in the full, upright position.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.