WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid ongoing discussions with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, President Donald Trump announced he would lift Canadian tariffs just as soon as they win a Stanley Cup.
"Look, how about this: You win a Stanley Cup and I'll drop all tariffs," Trump told Trudeau over the phone, according to official White House transcripts. "Oh, you can't do it? It's been thirty-one years, Justin. Get your house in order and make hockey great again!"
Instead of winning a Stanley Cup, Trudeau announced they would enact counter-tariffs on maple syrup.
"These guys invented hockey. You think they'd be great at it," Trump later told reporters during an impromptu press conference about ordered strikes in Somalia. "The kids all grow up playing it, I don't get why they lose. It should never happen — like a Chinaman losing a kung fu fight. It's a disgrace, to tell you the truth. It's the worst thing that's happened to hockey since NHL 94 when Electronic Arts removed fighting. I told them you can't remove fighting, people love fighting, but they did and the sales tanked."
Trump has been accused of dangling an impossible goal in front of Canada, all but guaranteeing tariffs will remain in place. But he says it's not about tariffs and never was. It's about "making hockey great again."
"The problem with hockey is we keep winning! I love winning, but it's not exciting. And now NHL ratings are in the gutter. Why? Because we already know what's going to happen," Trump said before acting out different parts of a hypothetical conversation among hockey fans. "'Oh, who's going to win this year?' 'I guess it'll be us!' 'But they're Canadian!' 'They might identify as Canadian, but they can't hit a puck.'"
At publishing time, Conservative Party of Canada leader Pierre Poilievre declared they would never lose a Stanley Cup again if he were president.
Travis is back on his mission to interview everyone. Next on the list is celebrity chef and restaurateur Andrew Gruel.
