WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has just one message for American families struggling economically this Christmas: "Your kids are bad, so maybe they don't deserve presidents."
Trump struck back at what he called the Democrat Affordability Hoax™ on Friday with an aggressive Christmas address in which he reminded American parents that their children are statistically "quite bad, really" and shouldn't get any presents anyway.
"Affordability is a hoax," the president told reporters in the Oval Office. "What we have here is a normal amount of money because we have a very normal economy, just tremendously normal. But some families are going to be at the bottom anyway, and I want to encourage them to save a little money by not buying any presents. Your kids don't deserve them. They're bad kids. The worst kind of kids. They're into drugs. They T.P. people's houses. They're naughty, frankly. Santa says so."
To close out his statement, Trump reminded hard-working families to recognize exactly where they are on the economic ladder and learn acceptance. "Not everyone can be rich," he said. "That's just the reality. It would be a Christmas miracle, quite frankly, if everyone were like me. I would like that very much." Trump then appeared to address someone off camera. "Can we look into that? We ought to look into that. It would be tremendous."
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer criticized Trump for being out of touch with the average American. "This affordability crisis will never end as long as Trump continues his authoritarian practice of teaching responsible fiscal spending," Schumer said. "Trump may not appreciate your naughty kids, but we love them. We think they deserve all the toys. Maybe if they had more toys, they wouldn't be so naughty."
At publishing time, President Trump announced that he would be opening the U.S. strategic coal reserves so lower-income families would have something to put in their children's stockings.
Trump sings your favorite Christmas songs!
