U.S. — As Christmas Eve approaches, decorations adorn the tree, and bands of carolers prepare to roam the streets, an urgent message arrived from the North Pole to remind everyone not to forget that Santa Claus wants gluten in his cookies.
Jolly old St. Nick had reportedly been telling people this for years, but the red-robed bringer of presents sought to clarify that he just couldn't stand those fake knock-off substitute cookies without any gluten in them.
"None of this 'Fat-Free Milk' nonsense either," said a spokeself. "Just give him the good stuff — whole milk and chocolate chip cookies made with real flour and real chocolate. That's all he's asking for. Is it really so hard to get a proper confectionery in this barbaric, health-food-obsessed wasteland? Just put the gluten in the cookies already."
Santa also wanted it made clear that the previous four years had been a real disappointment, as an increasing number of families had begun leaving out "alternative treats" like vegan Oreos and vegetable sticks.
"It's Christmas, for goodness's sake," the elf continued. "How is the big guy supposed to go 'Ho-Ho-Ho' if all the treats people leave out for him are these fake, disgusting pieces of potato flour. Gross."
At publishing time, the North Pole had also issued an official reminder to not have any fires in their fireplaces on Christmas Eve, so as not to repeat the traumatic injuries Santa suffered at Steve's house in 2010.
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