HEAVEN—The treasure that Christians are currently storing up for themselves in heaven through faithfulness in Christ was revealed to actually be a collection of Bitcoins set aside for each believer, sources in heaven confirmed Tuesday.
Upon being granted access to God through faith in Christ alone, believers will receive a generous helping of the internet cryptocurrency in proportion to their service to the Kingdom of God.
“Moth and rust can’t destroy Bitcoin, and thieves can’t break in and steal it, because it’s abstract imaginary internet money, so it’s perfect for our purposes,” a heavenly representative standing near the entry line said, as a recently deceased believer entered the pearly gates and was given instructions for logging into his Bitcoin software wallet.
At publishing time, heaven was considering moving believers’ funds to an alternate cryptocurrency after Bitcoin lost 20% of its value in a few hours.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.