MONROVIA, CA—After initially deciding to get rid of ethnic food labels deemed problematic, such as Trader Jose's Chunky Salsa, Trader Joe's backtracked and said it would not cave to the mob. But bowing to pressure and outrage, the company has now agreed to discontinue all the ethnic-sounding food names and replace them with a new "Trader Don's" brand label.
Trader Jose's, Trader Giotto's, and Trader Ming's labels will be replaced with the new label featuring President Trump in various ethnic outfits.
"This should please everybody," said a company representative. "All the ethnic names will be gone, and we'll be using the generic white name 'Don' in their place. We are respecting the heritage of the cultures of origin for all our various food products while appealing to our main customers: white folks."
Trader Don's Chunky Salsa will feature Donald Trump in a sombrero and mustache, while Trader Don's Instant Ramen will show the president in an Asian rice hat. Trader Don's famous pizza sauce will, of course, show the president wearing Mario's mustache and trademark red hat. "The M stands for MAGA," Trump said proudly as he held aloft a jar of the pizza sauce. "These may be some of the greatest food items, maybe ever."
According to the White House, Trump personally sampled every product. Only items that made him say, "Tremendous! Simply tremendous!" while giving two thumbs up made the cut.