Top Ten Revelations From The Facebook Whistleblower

You may have thought Facebook is nothing but a fun way to share pictures with your boomer aunt, but a whistleblower has revealed a dark side to Facebook. Here’s what she revealed:

  • Almost no one on Facebook actually has hundreds of friends.

  • Half the farms in Farmville are secretly growing weed.

  • Bill Gates really did offer to give away one billion dollars if enough people like and share this post.

  • If you’ve ever been poked on Facebook, they have your DNA.

  • Boomers share an average of 300 million minion memes a day.

  • The next-gen Mark Zuckerberg will be indistinguishable from a human being and completely unstoppable.

  • The number of “happy birthday” wishes you get on Facebook has no correlation with whether your birthday will be happy.

  • The news algorithms are specially calibrated to suppress any mention of Zuckerberg’s weird eyes.

  • Anyone who has ever used Oculus has had his mind reprogrammed to assassinate Jack Dorsey.

  • Conservatives are still allowed to share opinions.

Yikes! This looks bad. Seems like the government may have to step in and take control. That always makes things better. 

In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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