Summertime is just around the corner, which means one thing: churches across the country are soon to be overrun with thousands of feral children. What was once upon a time known for wholesome things like cookies & Kool-Aid, learning Bible stories, and making paper cutouts of the twelve disciples has now become a daunting week-long festival of free babysitting that is usually centered around a central theme.
The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of top VBS themes coming this summer:
- The Gospel of John Wick: It's a classic retelling of Jesus's time here on Earth, only with martial arts, guns, and a very high casualty rate. Sweet!
- Super Mario Brothers (In Christ): Your kids will learn how God can give them more power than any mushroom, star, or flower!
- Top God: Maverick: In this high-flying thrill ride, kids will learn about how God plays by His own rules.
- Avatar: The Way of Living Water: Enter a whole new world in which kids learn to let Jesus live through them like a Na'vi avatar.
- The Legend of Zelda: NO Tears in God's Kingdom: Forget Hyrule, your kids will be looking forward to living in Heaven.
- Paul Washer Preaches for 7 Days: Your little sinner is guaranteed to feel convicted!
- Jordan Peterson Presents VBS: This program will give your kids all the moral lessons of the Bible without any theology or salvation.
- Children in the Hands of an Angry God: The most severe new theme, children will experience the wrath that is to come if they do not repent NOW.
That's quite a lineup! Be on the lookout this summer for these VBS programs at churches near you.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
