Summertime is just around the corner, which means one thing: churches across the country are soon to be overrun with thousands of feral children. What was once upon a time known for wholesome things like cookies & Kool-Aid, learning Bible stories, and making paper cutouts of the twelve disciples has now become a daunting week-long festival of free babysitting that is usually centered around a central theme.
The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of top VBS themes coming this summer:
- The Gospel of John Wick: It's a classic retelling of Jesus's time here on Earth, only with martial arts, guns, and a very high casualty rate. Sweet!
- Super Mario Brothers (In Christ): Your kids will learn how God can give them more power than any mushroom, star, or flower!
- Top God: Maverick: In this high-flying thrill ride, kids will learn about how God plays by His own rules.
- Avatar: The Way of Living Water: Enter a whole new world in which kids learn to let Jesus live through them like a Na'vi avatar.
- The Legend of Zelda: NO Tears in God's Kingdom: Forget Hyrule, your kids will be looking forward to living in Heaven.
- Paul Washer Preaches for 7 Days: Your little sinner is guaranteed to feel convicted!
- Jordan Peterson Presents VBS: This program will give your kids all the moral lessons of the Bible without any theology or salvation.
- Children in the Hands of an Angry God: The most severe new theme, children will experience the wrath that is to come if they do not repent NOW.
That's quite a lineup! Be on the lookout this summer for these VBS programs at churches near you.
World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.