Tomahawk-Wielding Elizabeth Warren Vows To Take Land Back From The Pale Faces
Politics · Oct 16, 2018 ·

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After receiving confirmation that she was at least 1/1024th Native American, Elizabeth Warren has embraced her fractional identity. Having gotten an authentic Native American outfit from a costume shop and armed herself with weapons she read on Wikipedia that a Native American might use -- such as the tomahawk -- Warren stood before a buffalo exhibit in the National Museum of Natural History at the Smithsonian to give a speech to the assembled press.

"You pale faces have taken my land, and have angered the Great Spirit!" Warren announced as she glanced down at her book of Native American terms. "This theft has angered my ancestors," Warren continued, though it was unclear if "ancestors" referred to her parents Pauline and Donald or people further back along her family tree. "You will return what is mine, or I will hit you with a wigwam." She paused to look at her book again. "No, that's not right."

Not all Democrats have supported Warren's new behavior. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer appeared at the event to chastise Warren. "With all the tight races going on, this is a distraction! Stop it!" Schumer said.

Warren was undeterred. "Quiet, pale face!" Warren yelled before firing a poorly aimed arrow at Schumer.

"Aieee! She's gone 1/1024th savage!" Schumer shrieked before running away.

Warren was reportedly 1/1024th offended by the 1/1024th insult, which, if one does the math, makes it approximately 1/1,000,000th of an offense -- a literal microaggression. Warren and Schumer later apologized to each other and smoked a peace vape.

President Trump took Warren's threat seriously, though, and was planning to assemble a cavalry to stop her. He's reportedly looking for anyone who is at least 1/1024th a cowboy.

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