Toddler Breaks Usain Bolt’s 100M Dash Record After Parent Asks What’s In His Mouth
Family · Apr 2, 2023 ·

DALLAS, TX — Local toddler Oliver McMahon has set a new world record in the 100-meter dash after parents asked what he had put in his mouth.

"It was like I shot a starter's gun," said mother Amy McMahon. "Usain Bolt would have been eating Oliver's dust."

Mrs. McMahon had just put chicken in the oven when she turned around to see Oliver's mouth bulging with some unidentified object. "Next thing I knew, the race was on," said Mrs. McMahon. "We never had a prayer of catching him. My husband went down with a hammy trying to round the bend into the living room. Those feet were a tiny little blur."

At the time of the incident, Oliver had been "helping" his dad with putting together a new bedframe before becoming distracted by a toy car. "He could have put an Allen wrench in his mouth, an entire toy monster truck - who knows?" said Oliver's dad, Damon. "My real question is - why? We make such nice things to eat. Why chew on erasers and shoes? I'll never understand it."

At publishing time, finally boxed in by his parents, Oliver opened his mouth to proudly show that he had swallowed whatever the still-unidentified object was.

Babylon Bee subscriber King Nerd contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

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