SPOKANE, WA — Following the recent flagrant desecrations of Pride murals around the country, the government has come up with a simple, yet effective solution: a nationwide ban on all cars.
Legislators and supporters claim that the new regulation will help solve two problems by defending LGBTQIA+ rights and saving the planet from climate change.
"We didn't really want to have to revoke the entire nation's driving privileges, but those darned conservatives kinda forced us into it," said Washington Democrat congressman Adam Smith in a press conference. "I guess if you're not going to use your driving privileges properly and if you're going to keep callously driving over Pride murals that we painted on public roads, then you're just not responsible enough to have cars at all. It's really sad, honestly."
According to the new bill, all American drivers will be required to surrender their cars by June 15. However, any drivers whose cars are decorated with Pride, Planned Parenthood, or Biden-Harris 2024 bumper stickers will be allowed to keep their vehicles.
At publishing time, Congress had begun considering "common-sense restrictions" on bicycles, motorcycles, toddlers' tricycles, and rentable e-scooters after hearing that they could be used to leave skid marks on Pride murals as well.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
