WASHINGTON, DC — According to reports, a time-traveling Ancient Mayan priest appeared through a time portal in the offices of NARAL headquarters last week and found himself horrified by the abortion numbers in America.
"In Tikal, we only conduct a few hundred child sacrifices per year," said High Priest Ahua Ch'Aooah through a translator. "900,000 babies killed per year seems really excessive. This is barbaric!"
NARAL employees tried to calm the hysterical Mayan down by telling him that baby killing helped them amass lots of gold and that fewer babies on the planet would help stop the weather from getting worse.
"Well that I understand," said Ch'Aooah, "but really — nine hundred thousand dead babies per year? How did you build pyramids high enough to store all the victims?"
NARAL then explained that they don't bury the bodies in pyramids anymore, but instead chop them up and sell them to the NIH for medical experimentation.
At press time Ahua Ch'Aooah had taken up residence in D.C., registered as a Republican, and could often be seen on the Capitol steps yelling "Enough is enough! Stop the killing, you monsters!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
