FAYETTEVILLE, AR—FEMA hazmat teams continue to comb through the ruins of Fayetteville in search of survivors after a tragic accident at a local gender reveal party. Steve and Donna Lakehorn had rented a Trident II ICBM from a nearby silo for their son’s gender reveal party, but disaster struck when the missile accidentally detonated its nuclear payload instead of releasing a cloud of blue confetti, killing up to 50,000 residents and irradiating the surrounding areas for the next several billion years.
“This culture of one-upmanship was bound to lead to something like this,” said former Fayetteville resident Cindy McMurrow, who was fortunately out of town during the nuclear detonation. “They could have easily used a MOAB or some other high-powered conventional ordnance instead, but nowadays everyone wants the next big viral TikTok video.”
A FEMA spokesperson said that the agency is spread dangerously thin between providing nuclear relief in Arkansas and its efforts to contain an outbreak of weaponized Ebola in Atlanta following another botched gender reveal party. The spokesperson added that in that particular case, the baby was a girl.
Mr. and Mrs. Lakehorn were unavailable for comment as they had been vaporized in the explosion.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.