MANHATTAN, NY — Sunny Hostin declared today that she had experienced "the Holocaust times ten" after a barista forgot to add cream to her morning coffee.
Upon seeing the dark color of her coffee, Hostin suddenly realized that this was exactly what it felt like for six million people to be systematically tortured and slaughtered.
"This is Pearl Harbor, the Holocaust, and 9/11 all rolled into one," cried Hostin. "The bitterness of this coffee is every bit as awful as the gas chambers at Auschwitz. This is, like, so many Holocausts, I can't even count."
Hostin's morning had reportedly already gotten off to a bad start, as she came close to running out of shampoo. "It's like the Irish Potato Famine!" screamed Hostin angrily. "Oh, and what's this? My towel wasn't folded properly?! This is the Challenger explosion times a thousand!"
At publishing time, Hostin had reportedly declared the red light she hit "worse than the rape of Nanking."
Mission accomplished: Satan has just confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth was crucified and will never be coming back.
