OXFORD — In a new discovery, a team of highly respected theologians has announced that there is, indeed, an expansive library of audiobooks in Hell, but, unfortunately, every book is voiced by actress and rapper Awkwafina.
"This is quite a sobering discovery," said Dr. Reginald Herrington, Professor of Divinity with the Faculty of Theology and Religion at the University of Oxford. "It was initially believed that learning of the existence of audiobooks in Hell would be somewhat of a comfort to those condemned to eternal torment. Once we found out Awkwafina was doing the reading for every book, the lamenting began. The horror…the sheer torture... Fly from the wrath to come!"
When quizzed by reporters about available books, Dr. Herrington could only provide unsettling answers. "Yes, I'm afraid no book is unscathed," he said. "All the great literary works — Mark Twain, Jane Austen, F. Scott Fitzgerald — every story is read by Awkwafina. It really does serve as a cautionary deterrent. You'd think living in eternal flames and being separated from God would make things bad enough, but this? No one should ever come here. Ever!"
The group of theologians unanimously agreed that this ranks near the top of the worst things about being in Hell, along with all soft drinks being flat and all shirts having tags that make your neck itch.
At publishing time, news of the discovery had reportedly caused mass revival throughout churches around the world, with people repenting of their sins to avoid the mere possibility of listening to an Awkwafina audiobook.
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