The 2026 FIFA World Cup is being hosted in the United States for the first time since 1994. But what should be a cause for celebration is, instead, confusing a lot of Americans who can't quite seem to grasp the nature of the game.
Thankfully, The Babylon Bee is here to compile all the facts you need to understand the obscure sport of soccer.
WHAT IS IT?
Soccer, or fútbol as it's often erroneously called, pits two teams of twenty against each other in a rectangular arena to see who can put a ball in the other team's goal the most times.
HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE?
The game takes place over a series of rounds called halves. Each half is supposed to take 45-minutes, but they never do. The game clock often goes beyond the elapsed time for no discernible reason, giving players an additional opportunity to casually jog around on the grass.
HOW DO YOU PLAY?
Players must work as a team to overwhelm the opposing team's goalie and symbolically murder him through the scoring of goals.
There are several key positions:
Center — This guy is in the center.
Forward — This guy is further forward than the center.
Sweeper — This guy sweeps the field near their goal to make sure nothing will trip his teammates.
Goalie — This guy is in the goal and protects it, keeping the other team from scoring. He also gets to wear special gloves.
Other — Everyone else takes up this position, and kind of just runs around the field in random directions. They can also chase butterflies and catch them for extra points.
As players compete for possession of the soccer ball, they must also adhere to several arbitrary rules meant merely for philosophical introspection. These include the offside rule (with an imaginary line that follows a player's heart), out of bounds, and the use of hands.
HANDS?
Though commonly called "fútbol" internationally, the sport often employs the use of knees, chest, and head for some reason. Hands are strictly off limits, except when they're not. A foul is typically not called unless a soccer player first announces, "I am going to use my hands!" and then proceeds to do so.
HOW ARE FOULS RULED?
In place of referees or umpires, the sport employs the use of on-field schoolteachers who reprimand poor players by assigning them devastating yellow or red report cards to shame them into submission.
IS IT A DANGEROUS SPORT?
Only for the audience. Soccer is unique in that it takes place both on and off the field (or "pitch," as it's called to honor baseball, the only sport invented by God). Audience members take part in the event themselves as if it were an interactive show. A team's fans must, by necessity, shout down opponents in an attempt to destroy them, or their team will lose style points.
The outcome of the match, win or lose, leads to a riot. This is a strict rule observed by all true soccer fans.
I DON'T THINK I UNDERSTAND THIS GAME
Well, this article explained it perfectly, so that's on you.
After a slight mixup, Steve, Timpani, and Britunni end up at the Alamo instead of the Alamo Car Rental. Protestors block their way out and Timpani is going into labor!
