It's that time of year again - when the mystic oracles at The Babylon Bee tell you what will happen in the next year with 100% accuracy! Will 2023 be better than this year? You decide!
January 1 - Millions set out to read their entire Bible
January 4 - Dozens still reading their entire Bible
January 6 - AOC dies again of PTSD after recounting her death on January 6
February 13 - Kamala Harris reports that Biden had an unfortunate accident coming down the stairs
February 16 - Kamala caught laughing while at Biden's funeral
February 19 - Kamala Harris sworn in
February 20 - Weed criminalized heavily in all 50 states
March 3 - Whoopi Goldberg says something racist
March 13 - AOC says something stupid
March 23 - John Fetterman finally finishes taking his oath of office
April 4 - The war in Ukraine ends
April 5 - The war in Taiwan begins
April 12 - SBF says that another $50 million of people's money has gone missing
May 1 - Obama releases a new memoir
May 12 - No one shows up to work across America. Also, all Nintendo Switches are sold out for some reason
May 19 - Webster changes the definition of gender
May 22 - Bob Iger bends the knee and swears fealty to Ron DeSantis
May 25 - Public schools announce they will now allow Tuttle Twins books in school libraries
May 26 - Tuttle Twins books pulled from libraries after students start questioning teachers' bias
June 4 - Kanye says he's not crazy anymore
June 5 - Kanye joins the KKK
July 4 - Zelensky named president of the United States
August 8 - Dr. Fauci comes out of retirement after new COVID strain leaks from a lab
August 12 - Alex Jones sued for another $400 trillion billion
September 15 - Obama releases a new memoir
September 20 - Elon releases part 3,285 of the Twitter files
October 27 - Elon Musk buys The View, promptly cancels the show forever
October 29 - Post Office releases Jan 6 commemorative stamp
November 9 - Pizzagate conspiracy confirmed true
November 23 - Brian Stelter retires to Idaho to be with his kind
November 25 - Elon Musk announces gas-powered Tesla to save us all from the coming ice age
December 5 - Disney announces Phase 5 of the Marvel Universe will be Brie Larson giving a series of 2-hour TED talks on misogyny.
December 10 - A late-night host says something funny (hey, we can dream right?)
December 31 - The last remaining person still reading through their Bible finally finishes it
NOT SATIRE: Before you go, here's one more 2023 prediction that you won't want to miss…
As a Babylon Bee reader, you know that primary education is one of the ways that young minds are shaped. In the early years, children learn how to view the world. In recent years, progressive public school administrators and teachers have capitalized on this, teaching kids outright falsehoods like "socialism is good", "America is shameful", and many more.
This is not good. And I think one of the best ways to teach kids what is true is through children's books — specifically the Tuttle Twins series, which teaches kids about free markets, liberty, America's founding, and much more.
That's why I'd like to predict that we'll put a set of Tuttle Twins books in every public school library in America. And by doing so, kids will finally have the chance to love liberty and understand how the government should work.
Even better - my friends at Moms for Liberty have stepped up and offered to hand deliver them to ensure we don't miss this opportunity.
But in order for my prediction to come true, we need your help to make it happen. Would you be a part of the team that's putting a set of Tuttle Twins books in every public school library in America by making a donation before December 31st at midnight?
By doing so, you will help more kids develop a love for America at an early age.
Author, Tuttle Twins
Founder, Libertas Institute
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.